How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.

A group of gymnasts act out the parts of the Audi RS6 performance car.

The Audi RS6 Quattro, commonly referred to as the RS6, is the highest performing version, and top-of-the-line specification of the A6, positioned above the S6. It is a mid-size sports-focused executive car. The “RS” initials stand for Renn-Sport (German for “racing sport” or”motor sport”) and is Audi’s ultimate high performance level car. Wiki: Audi RS6

Here it is, your Moment of Cat Zen

Cat Zen Images courtesy of: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Top Geek and Technology Links of the week:

• A Bad Way to Start Off in 2009
• Have The Big Internet Companies Turned Their Back On Net Neutrality?
• Could Flying Give You Radiation Sickness?
• Top 11 Signs Santa Is a Geek
• Stop Accidental Touchpad Touches While Typing
• Jupiter’s Moon Plays Peekaboo With Hubble
• Chaos Theory Simplified: Just Follow the Bouncing Droplet
• 12 Elegant Examples of Evolution
• [Video] Alien-like Squid With “Elbows” Filmed at Drilling Site
• [Video] Make a Simple Laser Communicator

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization…

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.

After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.

“I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” he answered, lowering his voice. “Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.”

“How so?”

“See,” he continued, “by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out overthe urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.”

“Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?”

“Well,” he whispered, lowering his voice even further, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

Here it is, your Moment of Cat Zen

Cat Zen Images courtesy of: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now, and seem to have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public restroom door without using a paper towel. And I don’t have them put lemon slices in my ice water for worry about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

That’s just a couple of things you taught me. I also can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whomever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have gto use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

Really, I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use deodorants with cancer-causing ingredients (all of them), even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Because of your concern for my health, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it is so powerful it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a $5 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grap my leg.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. tomorrow and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

Oh, by the way, a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their emails with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now. It’s too late.

With the recession causing enough stress for all of us, the British Medical Journal decides to bust several common medical myths—for example, reading in dim light won’t ruin your eyesight, so go nuts.

Among the myths busted, BMJ notes that:

• Sugar does not cause hyperactivity in children.
• You don’t lose excess body heat from your head. (You can leave your hat at home if you don’t want to muss your hair!)
• Eating at night does not make you fat. (Though the obvious rules still apply—you can’t eat more calories than you burn.)
• Unfortunately, there is no scientific evidence that you can cure a hangover.
• Shaving does not cause hair to grow back faster, darker, or coarser.
• Reading in dim light will not destroy your eyesight.
• You don’t need to drink eight glasses of water a day, so save yourself the bloat.

Any old wives’ tales you’d like to add to the list? Let’s hear it in the comments.

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