There is a crisis of insults on the Web. On one hand, the volume of flames is very high yet the quality is poor. Gone are the days of the razor-sharp wit of Oscar Wilde and Winston Churchill*, only to be replaced by a string of four letter words typed in ALL CAPS by n00bs (the latest of which is “FAIL”, itself a failure of coming up with a more scathing insult, if you think about it).

For example:

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go," says Oscar Wilde.

George Bernard Shaw wrote to Winston Churchill, "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend....if you have one." And Churchill wrote back, "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second......if there is one"

Well, it’s hard to teach wit – but all of us can learn the next best thing: the approximation of it by obfuscation, i.e. using big, difficult, and obscure words. So, to do our part in improving the quality of insults on teh Interweb, below is a list of 10 Insulting Words You Should Know:

1. FRENCHIFY (v)

Definition: 1) To make French in quality or trait 2) To make somewhat effeminate, and 3) To contract a veneral disease (a 19th century slang).

Analysis: We have the English to thank for this word. Most people implicitly understand that it means to become more like the French, but not a lot know the second or the third meaning. We’re still not sure which is more insulting.

 

2. BESCUMBER (v)

Definition: To spray with poo.

Analysis: Actually bescumber is just one of many words in the English language that basically mean “to spray with poo”. These are: BEDUNG, BERAY, IMMERD, SHARNY, and the good ol’ SHITTEN. In special cases, you can use BEMUTE (specifically means to drop poo on someone from great height), SHARD-BORN (born in dung), and FIMICOLOUS (living and growing on crap).

Alternative: If that is too vulgar, you can use BEVOMIT and BEPISS, which meanings should be obvious to you, as well as BESPAWL (to spit on).

Oh, and if you want to say poo without looking like you’re saying it, you can use ORDURE, DEJECTION, and EXCRETA. To mean something more specific, you can use MECONIUM (first feces of a newborn child), MELAENA or MELENA (the abnormally tarry feces containing blood from gastrointestinal bleeding), LIENTERY (diarrhea with undigested or partially digested food), and STEATORRHEA (fatty stool that’s hard to flush down).

Here are some words along the same line that may one day prove to be useful for you: TURDIFY (turn into turd), COPROPHAGIA (eating of feces [wiki]), and COPROPHILIA (Think 2 Girls 1 Cup [wiki - don't worry, SWF], if you don’t know what this is, I shan’t corrupt you any further).

Let’s end entry number two with these two amazing words COPREMESIS and MISERERE, both of which mean fecal vomiting. Yes, fecal vomiting. It’s a medical emergency caused by the obstruction of the bowel (source).

3. MICROPHALLUS (n)

Definition: An unusually small penis.

Analysis: Self explanatory.

Alternative: Insulting a man’s private part is a very reliable way to put him down (if he’s smaller than you) or to get beat up (if he’s larger than you). Usually, even a dimwit can decipher the meaning of this word, after all, it’s just a combination of “micro” and “phallus”.

So, to insult a physically larger opponent, we recommend you use these words instead: PHALLOCRYPSIS (retraction or shrinkage of the penis), CRYPTORCHID (undescendend testicles), and PHALLONCUS (tumor of the penis).

4. COCCYDYNIA (n)

Definition: Pain in the butt.

Analysis: It’s a real medical term: coccydynia is pain in the coccyx or tailbone. Most people simply call it “buttache.”

Similar: PROCTALGIA, PROCTODYNIA, PYGALGIA and RECTALGIA all mean pain in the butt.

Alternative: CERVICALGIA (pain in the neck), PHALLODYNIA or PHALLALGIA (both mean pain in the penis), and PUDENDAGRA (pain in the genitals).

The word “butt” is highly versatile in its vernacular use – you can say “butt face” or “hairy butt” – dem are fightin’ words – but it’s much better to use these instead: ANKYLOPROCTIA (stricture of the anus, the state of “tight-assity”), STEATOPYGOUS (fat-assed), DASYPYGAL (having hairy buttocks), and CACOPYGIAN (having ugly buttocks).

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5. NINNYHAMMER (n)

Definition: A fool or a silly person.
Analysis: The word “fool,” unless you’re Mr. T, is sometimes woefully inadequate to express the stupidity of the person you’re talking about. So use Ninnyhammer. Or at least NINNY.

Alternative: The English language is chockful of colorful words meaning stupid person, such as: DUMMKOPF, IGNORAMUS, JOBBERNOWL, GOWK, and WITLING.

For mental retardation, eschew the ubiquitous ‘tard – rather, use AMENTIA (extreme mental retardation because of inadequate brain tissue), CRETINISM (mental retardation associated with dwarfism, caused by the deficiency of a thyroid hormone, a person with cretinism is a CRETIN), and MORONITY (used to mean mild retardation of having a mental age of 7 to 12 years, now it’s an obsolete term though we still use the word moron).

6. BUNCOMBE (n)

Definition: A ludicrously false statement. Basically it means bullshit or nonsense.

Analysis: Actually, you probably already know this word by its more common spelling: bunkum.

The origin of this word is fascinating. In 1819, a North Carolina congressman, the Honorable Felix Walker, was giving a rambling speech with little relevance to the current debate. He refused to yield the floor, and claimed that he wasn’t speaking for Congress but instead “for Buncombe” (a county in North Carolina he represented). That’s all it took.

Over time, the spelling changed to “bunkum,” and the meaning strangely changed to be “excellent.” Then it changed back in 1870, when a San Francisco gambler introduced a new game “banco” played with dice that were later found out to be loaded. Sure enough, BUNCO became known to mean swindle or cheat, and bunkum reverted back to its original meaning. (Source)

The word DEBUNK came directly from this: it’s just bunk(um) with the prefix de- (meaning to remove).

7. HIRCISMUS (n)

Definition: Offensive armpit odor.

Analysis: Hircismus comes from the root word “hircus” which means goat in Latin. Someone must have thought smelly pits smelled like goats. Actually, this word combines two sources of great insult potential: smelly and armpits. Why this is not used more often in the discourse of hateful communication is beyond me.

Alternative: As we’ve mentioned, armpit is an untapped goldmine for insults. Here are some examples of words you can use: MASCHALEPHIDROSIS or MASCHALYPERIDROSIS (excessive sweating of the armpits). MASCHALOPHILOUS (sexual attraction to the underarms) and AXILLISM (the use of armpit for sex).

Smelling like goats is also a good source of insults (especially since goat is also a slang for a lecherous man). Try CAPRYLIC and HIRCINE (smelling like a pungent goat), and CAPRIC (resembling a goat).

8. CORPULENT (adj)

Definition: Very fat.

Analysis: Good ol’ fat is a reliable insult word. After all, nowadays, no one likes a fatty … except Mauritanian men. That’s right: in the Islamic Republic of Mauritania, fat and Rubenesque women are sexy and desirable. So much so, that instead of the crash diet of the West, they have a similar but opposite program: crash feeding or “gavage,” where girls as young as 5 years old are force-fed milk, cream, butter, couscous and other calorie-rich food:

Girls as young as 5 and as old as 19 had to drink up to five gallons of fat-rich camel’s or cow’s milk daily, aiming for silvery stretch marks on their upper arms. If a girl refused or vomited, the village weight-gain specialist might squeeze her foot between sticks, pull her ear, pinch her inner thigh, bend her finger backward or force her to drink her own vomit. In extreme cases, girls died. (Source)

Interestingly, the ideal man is skinny (Mauritanians view portly men as womanish and lazy).

Alternative: ABDOMINOUS (potbellied), STEATOPYGOUS (fat-assed), and FUSSOCK (a very fat woman).

9. FEIST or FICE (n)

Definition: 1) A small dog of uncertain ancestry, a mongrel. 2) A person of little worth or someone with a bad temper, and 3) Silent fart.

Analysis: You actually already know this word: feist is used throughout the Midland and Southern United States to mean a snappy, nervous and belligerent little dog. The adjective feisty which means “full of spirit or spunky,” comes from this word. But that’s not why it’s on this list (hint: #3!)

What you may not know is the true origin of the word. Feist comes from the Middle English fisten, which means to break wind (fist originally also meant flatus or fart). Feist is a special type of fart: the silent (and often deadly) type. Oh, and the word “fart” itself comes from another Middle English word farten or ferten, which in turn is from the Old English feortan.

Feist is the type of word that, if introduced to young adolescents, no doubt would spark a lifelong interest in learning new words.

Alternative: Fart is another one of those goldmines of insults. To obfuscate what you really mean, use instead: FLATUOSITY (fart). Other gems: EPROCTOLAGNIAC (someone aroused by flatulence, his own or someone else’s), CARMINATIVE (something that makes you fart), and BDOLOTIC (prone to farting).

10. CACAFUEGO (n)

Definition: A swaggering braggart or boaster.

Analysis: Cacafuego literally means “shit fire” in Spanish. Anyone who boasts their new knowledge of insulting words from this article can be called a cacafuego.

That’s not the only interesting thing about it:

Cacafuego is also the nickname of a 16th century Spanish galleon captured by Sir Francis Drake (El Draque or The Dragon as he was known to his Spanish victims). The ship’s original name was Nuestra Señora de la Concepción (Our Lady of Conception), but for some reason it’s called by her sailors as “cagafuego” (fireshitter) or “cacafuego” (shitfire).

It was Drake’s biggest plunder: it took his crew four days to transfer the cargo from the Cacafuego. In all, Drake got 80 pounds of gold, 26 tons of silver, 13 cases of silver coins, jewels, and more.

Synonym: BLATHERSKITE, BRAGGADOCIO, FANFARON, GASCONADER, and RODOMONTADE (English is full of this kind of word, though I think caca “shit fire” fuego is in a class of its own!)

In January of 1954, just a year before his death, Albert Einstein wrote the following letter to philosopher Erik Gutkind after reading his book, ‘Choose Life: The Biblical Call to Revolt’. Apparently Einstein had only read the book due to repeated recommendation by their mutual friend Luitzen Egbertus Jan Brouwer. The letter was bought at auction in May 2008, for £170,000. Unsurprisingly, one of the unsuccessful bidders was Richard Dawkins.

Translation appears below.

[Image Source]

Translated Text

Princeton, 3. 1. 1954

Dear Mr Gutkind,

Inspired by Brouwer’s repeated suggestion, I read a great deal in your book, and thank you very much for lending it to me … With regard to the factual attitude to life and to the human community we have a great deal in common. Your personal ideal with its striving for freedom from ego-oriented desires, for making life beautiful and noble, with an emphasis on the purely human element … unites us as having an “American Attitude.”

Still, without Brouwer’s suggestion I would never have gotten myself to engage intensively with your book because it is written in a language inaccessible to me. The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weakness, the Bible a collection of honorable, but still purely primitive, legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this. … For me the Jewish religion like all other religions is an incarnation of the most childish superstition. And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong … have no different quality for me than all other people. As far as my experience goes, they are also no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power. Otherwise I cannot see anything “chosen” about them.

In general I find it painful that you claim a privileged position and try to defend it by two walls of pride, an external one as a man and an internal one as a Jew. As a man you claim, so to speak, a dispensation from causality otherwise accepted, as a Jew of monotheism. But a limited causality is no longer a causality at all, as our wonderful Spinoza recognized with all incision…

Now that I have quite openly stated our differences in intellectual convictions it is still clear to me that we are quite close to each other in essential things, i.e. in our evaluation of human behavior … I think that we would understand each other quite well if we talked about concrete things.

With friendly thanks and best wishes,

Yours,

A. Einstein

The new pricing structure from your ISP if network neutrality fails.

With all the Star Wars items on the market today, this has to be pretty bad, tacky and just out there stuff, to have been rejected right? How about Bantha slippers? Some seem fine, if a bit odd, like Galactic Foosball or the Death Star dart board. My favorite is the Galactic Big Game trophies. Nothing says geek like the heads of various Star Wars beasts on the wall. Pictures galore below.

Cyber Nations is a free persistent browser-based nation simulation game. Create a nation anywhere in the world and decide how you will rule your people by choosing a government type, a national religion, ethnicity, tax rate, currency type, and more in this geo-political nation simulator. Build your empire by purchasing infrastructure to support your citizens, land to expand your borders, technology to increase your nation’s effectiveness, military to defend your interests, and develop national improvements and wonders to build your nation according to your choosing.

Declare war on others and purchase from a wide variety of military options including soldiers, tanks, cruise and nuclear missiles, navy, aircraft, and spies to bring wrath upon those who dare cross you. View your nation on real world maps and watch as your borders expand (or recede) over time. Communicate with other nations through private internal messages or discuss and debate issues in the Cyber Nations Forums. Send foreign aid packages and trade with other nations to grow your nation and improve your status in the world.

Cyber Nations is an Internet game designed to simulate nation building and management and will require you to exercise your management skills on a day to day basis. You can play Cyber Nations with most modern web browsers that have JavaScript enabled. Cyber Nations runs 24/7 (except when we are performing maintenance and upgrades) so even while you are not online your nation will still be active allowing other players to interact with you through trade offers, foreign aid offers, war declarations, private messages, and much more. Cyber Nations has never been reset since it’s inception on 01/06/06 and no resets are planned in the future. We take extreme care to provide complete backups of our game databases and files to ensure your uninterrupted gaming experience.

Game Play – Cyber Nations is not a game that can be completed in one sitting and there is really no way to ‘beat’ the game. There are many different ways you can build your nation; treat your people kindly through representation of a benevolent government or rule them with an iron fist as a malevolent dictator. Become a war monger and participate in destroying other nations or grow peacefully as a diplomat among the other nations of the world. Grow your nation in size and strength to become all powerful or run your nation into the ground through mismanagement. It’s all up to you.

Creating A Nation – The first thing you’ll need to do is register a ruler name. This allows you to keep one single user name which your nation will be created under. Next you will need to create your nation. The Create Your Nation page allows you to create your nation by giving it a name and beginning settings. It’s all up to you on what you select when creating your nation. There is no wrong or right answer here. Once you have successfully created your nation you will notice that the left navigation menu expands with additional links. New menu items will include links to manage your nation (view nation, view nation map, deploy military, wage war, edit your nation, etc…) perform nation purchases (land, infrastructure, military, etc…) and links to view other nations and information about the Cyber Nations world. View the Sample Nation to get an idea of what your nation display screen will look like once you create your own nation and watch the Demonstration Video to watch a quick overview on gameplay.

Playing the Game - Once you’ve registered a user ID and created your nation there are many things you can do. You can purchase infrastructure, land, build your military forces, or begin saving your money to purchase that first level of technology; which ever direction you want to go. I could spend a lot of time discussing everything here but you probably just want to get on with the game. Here’s a few tips to get you started:

• Probably the most common activity that you will perform in Cyber Nations is collecting taxes and paying bills. You can collect a percentage of your citizens income base on your government’s tax rate each day. The money that you collect can be used for nation purchases or to send to others via the foreign aid system. You can collect your taxes once everyday or save up for a couple of days between tax collections to gain an added bonus in interest. Beware however, the same rule applies to your nation’s bills (charged for on infrastructure, soldiers, tanks, etc…) so if you don’t pay your bills daily you might end up paying interest on your unpaid bills.
• Keep an eye on the Nation Messages that appear at the top of your nation information page. These messages are important and will guide you in the right direction of successfully managing your nation.
• Keep an eye on the happiness of your population. Nothing can bring an economy and progress down more than unhappy citizens.
• Keep a close eye on your Government Financial information. Your financial situation determines what you can buy and therefore how quickly your nation grows.
• Even if you desire not to wage wars and select to be a peaceful nation it is still important to invest in your military. Soldiers act both as military and as a police force in Cyber Nations so you’ll want to have some soldiers defending your nation at all times in order to keep your population happy. Just make sure your forces are not too powerful as they might make your citizens uncomfortable.
• Anywhere that you see the there is more information available for that item in the Cyber Nations Information Index.
• Visit the Cyber Nation Forums where there is a very active community ready to help and answer your questions or check out the Cyber Nations Wiki for lots more information as well.
• Seek trading partners early on. There are many resources available in the Cyber Nations world, each with their own unique benefits. Choose your resources carefully.

[Cyber Nations - A Nation Building Game]