Caution: I drive like you do



I’m multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time



Do they ever shut up on your planet?



I brake for no apparent reason



Try not to let your mind wander - it's too small to be out by itself



If you can read this, thank a teacher if you're reading it in english, thank a soldier



Gun control means using both hands



Love thy neighbor but don't get caught



Lawyers - criminals I forget the difference



If the screams from my trunk bother you turn up your radio



Shh! I'm listening to a book



It's been a long week already and it's only monday



Beer: now cheaper than gasoline so don't drive... Drink



Blessed are the flexible they never get bent out of shape



Like a roll of toilet paper life goes faster near the end



We're born cold, wet and hungry then things get worse



Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?



Everyone is born right-handed. Only the gifted overcome it



Born free, but I'm higher priced now



I had a handle on life, but it broke



Filthy stinking rich (2 out of 3 ain't bad)



I'm great in bed (I can sleep all night)



Jesus is coming. Look busy



Isn't a smoking area in a restaurant like a peeing area in a swimming pool?



Discourage inbreeding - ban country music



If you can't live without me, how come you're not dead?



Shit hit the fan? Try the toilet instead



Women love exclamation points!!! (But they hate periods)



I'm gonna survive, even if it kills me



Why litter? Just shove it up your ass



Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken



8 Out of 10 voices in my head say 'Don’t shoot'



I've got a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and beginning to smell



Hands up motherstickers - this is a fuckup